If you are only reading my blog now or happen to come across it every now and then, you probably have no clue as to what the title is referencing. To put everything into context, I’ve spent the last several months writing every now and then about my experiences with depression and eating disorders. I had hemmed and hawed for some time before even writing my first personal public entry, and I continue to do so with each entry, as I recant more recent events.
To be clear, I am aware of the position I that put myself in in writing and posting these entries. After all, it’s pretty easy to find my blog on Google, and even easier to find out more about me, especially since I make everything so readily accessible. So you can be sure that every time before I hit the “publish” button, my knees buckle a little bit and I cringe at the fact that anyone (including prospective employers) may find themselves on that particular post.
So with that said, you are probably wondering, “why would continue you to put yourself through all of this if it evidently makes you uncomfortable?” It’s even more odd that if you’ve known me for some time, you may realize that I consider myself to be quite a private person, sharing very few details about my actual personal life (excepting all the gibberish that I mention on Twitter).
I put myself out here not necessarily because of an overworked idea of self-disclosure, but rather, because I feel as though that there are more persons out there who have had similar experiences and feelings to mine. Even though celebrities may admit to their bouts with mental illness, they are so far removed from us in terms of social connection – given that they are viewed as icons and therefore have an elevated social status – that we cannot connect with them in the sense that “because they can admit it, we can too.” We are, after all, “regular” people. Our social status doesn’t call for any national broadcasting when we are ill or congratulations when we beat “it,” instead we strum along these problems of ours with a “hush hush” attitude.
And it’s incredibly painful not to be able to say anything. It’s even more so when your current state leaves you feeling like a pariah because the notion of therapy, for instance, is only accepted by celebrities and exemplified on television with few characters. The dichotomy that we are left with leaves us stranded in the middle of being unsure of where we should stand. If you have a support system that better understands and can provide guidance in that illusionist gray area, then you are lucky. But for those that don’t, it’s hard to make that first step into what we cannot and have not seen.
These entries of mine, therefore, are written partially with the intent of me being able to better accept and understand myself, and partially with the intent of lifting this “keep mum” attitude on depression and eating disorders through the viewpoint of someone that is neither celebrity nor authority (on the subject).
Image courtesy of PostSecret